I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
