I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize