i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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