I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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