I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
