need another drink. this is the easiest way
Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
