I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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