Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
