My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
