He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
