Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Houston, we have a squirter
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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