People with herpes should wear stickers.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
