WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
