I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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