I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Is it because I queefed?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
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