Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
