I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
