census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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