I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
