You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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