my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize