My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
