Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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