you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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