Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
