Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
