Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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