True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
