I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
