FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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