Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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