Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
