I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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