I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize