There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
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