When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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