Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
