Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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