I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
pop tarts are not kleenex
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
