a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Randomize
