I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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