That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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