you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
