it wasn't lemon gatorade
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
