I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
