I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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