Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My pussy is not your playground.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
