Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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