i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
