At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
