She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
