I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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