I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize