Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
