i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
