I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
