had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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