i just wanna soil my oats bro
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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