That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
