At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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