I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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