just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
