I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Found your dick twin last night
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize