How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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