Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
