i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He better not be in your backpack
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
